When I've Worn the Fedora
by Saffron Panther
Summary: After Shifty is killed a few years after major HTF events, his brother Lifty takes to wearing the fedora and realizes just how demented his thieving brother really is. He seeks help from friends but comfort can be dangerous to a thief. ON HIATUS.
1. When Shifty Was Gone

_When Shifty Was Gone_

I hated living as my idiot brother's twin, the _younger_ twin no less. That green jackass treated me with no respect and often left me to die at the scenes of the crimes. Worst of all, he'd have the nerve to steal my stuff. My stuff! He tried to steal my stuff when I was begging for him to save me but no-he used the I'm the bigger brother approach and told me that I was just a LACKEY. He said I was his damn lackey!

Of course that was before the big change-I'm talking a BIG change that would later impact both of our lives period-of course, it'd be the end of his.

Perhaps I should better introduce myself: I was one of the two raccoon green brothers known as Lifty and Shifty, I say was because there is just me now but I just said that didn't I? I talk in circles a lot yes I do but that's just the way I am. I'm Lifty and despite the fact that I am the first of the duo to be mentioned even today, I was the runt and second-place individual to my brother Shifty. He was the boss and he made that very clear especially when he would try to kill me for failing any of our so-called "heists".

Hell, those "heists" were nothing but jokes, big jokes but not the ha-ha kind of jokes more like the "you idiot!" kind of jokes. I mean every time we tried to steal something, things would go pretty sour. I know some of you out there know what I mean and I emphasize the usage of sour-if by sour I could also mean "bloody" and "miserable". But that's the way it was always meant to be, isn't it? Our lives were always meant to fail even when we thought we could have made it to the top.

Life sucks when you're _meant_ to die and _meant_ to fail. Of course you wouldn't know what that would feel like would you? Maybe, maybe not. Take my advice though, it's not the kind of life that you'd wanna live. Especially if you die a horrific, painful death here and there (and I don't mean just the bloody ones) and that it could happen at any damn time. Then again, that applies to your existence doesn't it? Except you only die once. Unless there are people like how we used to be on your side too.

Anyway, that night was to be our greatest heist ever and who but that green bear would be our next target. Sure, a few years earlier when we were practically children and teens, he slaughtered our asses on Christmas night but do we ever learn? Maybe not because he was our target a few years after that incident and we were sneaking over to his house once again. He had very nice things don't you know and we were wanting a piece of his wares. So Shifty told me, his eyes glowing like emerald lamps under the brim of his fedora, that we would win for once. His eyes, emerald lights they were, flashed a promise of wealth and fortune but I've seen those lights before and they are just a pair of traffic lights flashing that it was okay for danger to go to us. But he just kept smiling and telling me that it would be our victory despite all that we have endured.

"We'll win for once, Lifty boy. We'll win for once."

"Will you not call me that?" I asked, annoyed whenever he made fun of my name. "You're named Shifty for God's sake."

He suddenly seized my throat in his hand, small and green but packing a heavy steel grip around my esophagus. "Don't ever befoul my name, Lifty boy, or I'll make you pay for saying crap to your elders."

"Elder?" I choked, throwing off his grip. "You're only three minutes older than me!"

"Three minutes or three years, all that matters is time, younger brother," Shifty grinned and chuckled and I chuckled with him. It was like our own secret language where we communicated in snickers and laughs just like the kids we were once. Perhaps we never grew up and frankly I loved my brother for his childish hopes that added excitement to our lives. "We'll win, you just have to listen to your greed, Lifty."

Listen to our greed...that was our family credo if we ever had one and that was ours. I felt my greed clawing around inside me and felt that it could not be satiated by a simple money grab. A heist would be just what the doctor ordered and Dr. Shifty told me that it was the cure. Oh, how I believed his words and followed him into the open space where the outside world dwelled. We began to walk and run into the darkness where thieves like us dwelled and we laughed our laughed like a bizarre Morse coded message that broadcasted our plans to each others. We were laughing like the poor thieving bastards we were and we would rob the Heart of the World if we could.

That crazy "Vetnam" bear, my brother always pronounced it "Vetnam", was living out in the middle of the woods. His problems with the flashbacks that would lead to animanslaughter decided to isolate himself in the woods living as a hermit of sorts. Of course, all of his shiny medals and other shiny stuff went with him and that was our objective as we are thieves you see. The two of us snuck and hid outside his house and found that he was sleeping in his chair just like the last time we tried to steal stuff from him. I swear that he's sleeping but it was a late night after all. He was just sawing logs and we were snickering like a couple of children just like when we were children, just like children who saw a candy jar and felt it was their civic duty to steal it.

The bear didn't have any candy but he had a few things that were just as shiny as candy because they were eye candies made of shiny metals that might make us a few bucks on eBay (we Tree Friends have the Internet too, friends). Of course, as the years had passed, he grew into a full sized bear, a mean big king-sized bastard who looked like he could saw your body up with a simple slash of claws like those slice-and-dice knives. His green fur was lighter than ours but also his teeth-good God his teeth were sharp and sometimes crooked in his rampages. I remember seeing that crap before and it scared the hell out of me like it was doing right now. He was snoozing away and we were snickering away just like children, holding our hands together in a typical plotting pose if there is one meant for the hands.

Shifty glanced out from under his fedora with his traffic light eyes and snickered personally to me, telling me that the coast was clear and we could make our move. I remembered the last time very quickly and felt a chill run down my spine like a woman's touch-it makes you nervous and excited at the same time. He laughed and my brother always laughed the most cunningly when he was ready to steal something. I swear he was laughing hard and he opened the door just so softly and we entered on our tippy toes, our little green tippy toes. The front door was near a shaggy carpet I thought was something like bear fur and I wondered for a moment if what we were doing was the right thing. I don't mean right like the moral thing but right like the smart thing.

Shifty's lean and taller form lurked into the shadow in the corner of the room and beckoned me to follow. I followed just like a good three-second younger brother and he snickered again and I snickered with him. We were much taller than we were back then as the years had gone on and we all had grown much taller over the years that pass. My brother and I snuck into the shadows and we hid for a moment just like a couple of green raccoon ninjas waiting for the right moment to strike. His fedora was like a cover for his green lamp eyes flashing so brightly of promise and hope for our success and I wondered if my eyes too would flash that same emerald glow when I looked just like him. He moved from the corner and walked into the side where the medals cabinet was kept.

There was a purple heart and a silver star among other ornamental medals that the "Vetnam" bear won for surviving the hell that was known as the Vietnam War. It was so shiny that Purple Heart and that Silver Star did glow just like twinkle little star how I wonder where you are up above the world so high like a diamond in the sky. Shifty reached for the case and its glass covering that did shield the goodies from our hands. He revealed a small knife from his pocket-his fur pocket our fur is full of pockets-and began to slice a small circle into the glass covering. After he finished carving a circle into the glass, he moved and threw it like a small Olympic disc and his throw would have won the gold as it flew right out the open door into the night. Shifty laughed and removed the Silver Star from the case and then it was the Purple Heart that came into his grasp.

I stared in awe at the awesomeness of the star and heart and felt like my brother was right for once. We were going to win for once and we would kick some ass in the thieving game. He passed the medals to me and I felt like I was holding the Heart of the World like I was the King of the World.

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...?"

I froze and both of us froze because we realized that the bear was waking up and he was going to see us with his medals and he was going to be pissed. He was pissed and he charged in his typical insane fashion and we ran screaming-or at least I did. Shifty kept laughing and drew out a gun, a sleek black .44 he hid because guns were never allowed for us Happy Tree Friends oh no no. He fired one bullet into the bear's leg and he fell screaming in pain and it was happening all so fast and I fell because I tripped. The Silver Star fell from my hands and one of its five points nearly impaled my eye but it didn't thank God.

"Monsters! Demons! Your gun may be drawn but you will die. I will drink your blood and you will die!" the bear was screaming and we were screaming-me out of fear and Shifty out of laughing screams. He fired another shot while still grinning with his emerald light eyes flashing and was still doing it as the claws ran through his throat.

I screamed for my brother as he fell and the bear charged. I didn't have the gun but I grabbed the heart and the bear charged me with claws ready to slice and dice my body like a sausage. But I grabbed the Purple Heart and threw it in front of me. I felt a great warmth and realized that my arm was covered in blood but not my blood but his blood. It was all happening so fast and I was shocked that I actually hurt him for once. His purple heart impaled his red beating one spurting blood down my arm and his wailed.

"That was for my brother, bastard!" I cursed, forcing the heart further into his heart and the bear began to fall backwards his face no longer the scary Post Traumatic victim but the nice guy who never really meant to harm anybody.

The green bear's beret fell from his head and he collapsed a few feet away from me. God, the irony of it all that a great Vietnam vet like him was actually killed by his own medal he won for the combat. God, it was happening all so fast and I felt so sick as the purple heart was still impaled in his. I turned and saw Shifty lying on the floor still flashing his grin but his eyes were gone with the flashing green lights. In moderate consideration, this death was rather peaceful for him but hot tears began to run down my face as I fell to my knees next to his body.

"Brother?" I asked, knowing very well he wasn't going to respond to me but still having that childish hope that he'd come back like the old times. We had been mutilated and killed before but this was different. When we really grew up, the violence became more permanent-God it was all happening so fast. If one of us died now, we were gone for good because we were mortal now. We were no longer the animal gods that could be cut to pieces, sliced and diced as you like but we would now die as normal folk do.

We were meant to die. For real this time.

But my brother couldn't be dead and my fingers grasped his fedora, the trademark hat, and I put it on my own head and ran out into the outside from the house laughing for the two of us. I felt like I was going insane and I think I may have been when I heard my brother say _Clean that crap off your hands, Lifty boy, you've got work to do..._


	2. Joy to the World, I'm Possessed

_Joy to the World, I'm Possessed_

I was afraid but happy to hear my brother's voice again but I was terrified because you're not supposed to be hearing the voices of the dead, are you? I wondered if I was really hearing things or if maybe by some chance my good brother survived the murderous bear. I reminded myself that was impossible because I saw those claws, those slice and dice knives of the bear slash my brother's throat. It was a total nightmare and it all happened so fast-Good God it all happened so fast and I was screaming. Good God you would know that I was screaming if I wasn't in the middle of the woods being chased by a homicidal bear-well maybe not chased exactly but more like threatened with sharp things you can't buy on television.

_Stop thinking, you moron and just listen to me!_

I shuddered at the sound of my dead brother's voice just as loud as if he were yelling it into my ear himself. I turned around half-expecting to see my brother standing behind me and laughing but I didn't see anything. I was scared and my knees shook violently as I tried to keep steady. My childhood fears were coming back to me but I guess you can't blame me because of what I've been through. My eyes, worried and slightly teary from fear and sadness, were not met by familiar emerald lamps in the darkness but just the black. The brim of the fedora provided little comfort as I felt no cover and so exposed and vulnerable because I was alone without my brother and I was scared. I'm talking so damn scared that I could barely stand but you already know that.

_God, you're such a pansy, Lifty. You're afraid of your own brother's voice. Good God, you're such a pansy._

"Shut up!" I yelled to no one in particular. "You're not the boss of me, asshole!"

_I've always been the boss and I always will. You think a little thing like death is going to keep me from pulling off more heists of the century through my little brother? Hell no! I am a lot than that. Sure, I have no physical body but yours will do just nicely for now._

"What?"

_Who has always been the brain between the two of us, huh? Which of us raccoon brothers was always the boss and in charge of everything we ever did? That was ME and I am still in charge, Lifty. Heh, maybe I have literally become the brains of the operation. Maybe I've made myself comfortable in your brain cavity and you're hearing my voice in your thoughts. Did you ever hear of something called "soul transfer", little brother? "Soul transfer" is when you focus your spiritual energies into something solid and leave the body just as it dies. Of course, I picked my fedora because it is my prized possession and you know how much meant to me. I guess you could say it was my "soul" possession in life. HA!_

"You're lying," I murmured.

_I rest assure you, dear brother that I am not lying and I never was when I said what I said. I learned about the soul transfer when I read one of those books that we "borrowed" from the library when we were boys. It was a big black book that detailed many spiritual things and that happened to be what got most of my attention. Good thing that I remembered it when that insane son of a bitch sliced and diced my throat, eh? Anyway, I am in the fedora now and since you put the fedora on, dear brother, I now am a part of you._

I was horrified and disturbed, scared and vulnerable god this was happening all so fast. I did the first thing I could think of and seized the sides of the fedora in what I thought would have been the simple act of removing my brother's hat. However, the hat didn't move and I felt a mild pain as if the hat was super-glued to my forehead. I panicked and tried again much harder and my head exploded in little showers of pain as I stifled a scream as tears much more for my fears began to rain down my cheeks. Pain became fear and I was crying for that too.

_Ha-ha! Do you think that I wouldn't have thought of that, dear brother? I figured that you would try something like that so my soul transfer included a soul grasp where I can hold your head for as long as I need to, Lifty. I'll let you take the fedora off when I SAY you can take it off, understand? Good, now remove your fingers before I really give you something to scream about. _

I released my fingers' grip on the fedora and shuddered again at the realization that I was screwed. "Please tell me that you're joking, please tell me..."

_This is no joke, dear brother. I am the one in control and I say what you're going to do. Now stop staining my greatness with that filthy bloody paw of yours. For God's sake, do something about that, will ya?_

I looked down and realized that my hand was now crusted with the deathblood-the blood of one's death-of both the bear and my brother. I was disgusted and used my non-bloodied hand to brush the sweat of fear and worry from my forehead. I tell you, I was scared and I am disturbed but I knew that Shifty could sense my fear and worries so I remained focused and calmed down. I would not give him the same satisfaction of knowing that he was in control and that he was the dominant one-good God, this was happening all so fast. "Okay, brother, what do you want me to do?"

_I knew you'd come around, Lifty. Listen here, don't worry about your bloodied paw right now okay? Because what I want you to do will require some bloodshed because I want you to go back to that house and do something for me._

I was hesitant to go back to the same house where my brother died but I knew that Shifty would never leave me alone if I didn't listen to what he said and he would be pissed. So I obeyed, feeling like the Heart of the World was beating in my chest (that's the eternal movement of the world and time for you) as my mind began to initiate paranoid theories about death and slaughter filled with graphic images of blood and guts and gore galore just like what I had seen only moments before.

I was scared shitless as you might say but something edged me on and I knew that something had to be my brother's spirit within the fedora upon my head and I obeyed because I am a good boy and a good brother.

I felt twin emerald fires burning within the depths of my eyes and I thought about Shifty again and heard his laugh in the back of my mind. I felt comforted by these thoughts and continued until I reached the door of the same house still stained with deathblood marks all over the place.

I was scared but I knew that I had to swallow these fears like candy and listen to my brother because he knew what to do. Big brother Shifty always knew what to do even if it meant that I was going to die in the process because he was the boss and he knew everything or so he said. I never questioned his wisdom or logic because I would often receive some kind of physical punishment in return for my remark. A smack in the back of the head if not a punch in the side, Shifty always acted so authoritarian but I guess in a way I respected and loved my brother for that.

_Okay, brother, now it is time that you carry out our next heist. You see, I have recently met with and signed a contract with an unusual member of the criminal underworld who calls himself the Rat. Thing is, he is really into things like sharp claws and teeth. What I want you to do is to go back to the dead Vetnam bear and take out his teeth and claws for me, okay? Do a good job about it and I'll give you more instructions later._

I was scared even more now because that meant I would have to go back to the slice and dice claws and the teeth that weren't too friendly either. That bear was dead, I was sure of that, but what if he wasn't? I've heard of those war guys who only pretended to die from their wounds and were quite durable. If that flipped out bear was as durable as those guys I've heard about, this would be a damn suicide mission I wouldn't make it in a second chance because we were mortal and we would die if the bloodshed hit us again.

But Shifty was demanding and I felt it would be inappropriate and just plain wrong to deny my brother his request especially if it meant that there was profit to be had for the deed.

I looked over the bear's body and felt no pulse or breath when I touched the gory chest and a wrist. The purple heart was still lodged in his chest where his real heart stopped beating and I was relieved that he was truly dead. My relief turned to disgust when I realized that his mouth was open in a drooling motion as if all the spit in his body gathered at death just like deathblood. I didn't want to touch the stuff but if you want to remove the teeth, that might have been required for such a task. But what would I use?

Leaving the bear's body lying on the ground, I walked over to the kitchen and searched each of the numerous drawers for something I could use to remove the teeth and claws that sliced and diced and chewed. I eventually found a meat cleaver, a little screwdriver, and one of those metal sticks you use for sharpening knives. Returning to corpse-God, this is happening all so fast-I heaved the bear's body onto its back and saw the expression of the fallen soldier that scared me. It was as if the Heart of the World suddenly stopped beating and all pain and consequence was thrown into this poor bastard's face.

Drawing the knife sharpener thing, I pried the bear's drool-lathed mouth wide open like the world's worst dentist but my job wasn't to fix his mouth but to pull the teeth just like the dentist nightmare imprinted in childhood fears.

Forcing the screwdriver was tricky as the red gum was thick and hard to slip underneath until blood flowed from the wound. The head of the screwdriver was buried in a river of blood and I laughed at the sight of this-or was it Shifty that laughed? It didn't matter as I drove the screwdriver deeper into the gum line and forced the tooth, the fang of slice and dice capability, out of its hold. The fang was still attached to some bloodline crap that was easily sliced with the sharp end of the screwdriver. The bloodline made a squishy-squirty sound and I laughed again joined by my brother as I began to dislodge another fang using the screwdriver's head one by one.

It became easier and easier to remove teeth without too much problem until I had to dig deep into the mouth. It was dark and dank in there and it smelled like the bear had literally lived on blood. The heated copper smell was extremely gross but I continued even as blood flooded the bottom of his mouth and I got more blood on my hands with drool and other mouth crap all over my fingers.

I only got stuck once when the damn screwdriver slid from his lower gum and impaled the roof of his mouth where there was no peanut butter stuck with the screwdriver itself. After pulling the final teeth from his mouth, I placed the bloody and drool-covered screwdriver with the meat cleaver, taking time to practice my swings with a small piece of wood broken from the cabinet. I sliced and diced that wooden piece into splinters and pulled one of the hands from the bear's side. Taking careful aim, my mighty swing parted two claws in one slice and the two of us laughed once again. The claws with all their slice and dice goodness came off cleanly with my slice and dice skills as they parted from the flesh and I laughed again.

It was like that for my hour-long operation as I worked in the night, chopping and pulling while still laughing at the same time. I could feel that Shifty was pleased by my work as I felt his emerald eyes glowing brightly behind my own. Eventually, I finished with my gory task and carefully gathered the teeth and claws no longer slicing and dicing and chewing in my hands. I glanced over and located the beret that Vietnam bear used to wear and collected my mouth and hand treasures within the hat's interior. T

hen I began to run away from the spot, leaving the toothless and declawed corpse in my wake as I was laughing even harder. I waited for Shifty to guide me as my years-grown longer legs carried me in a sprint and I was running towards the escape from my former hell. I was still laughing but I didn't hear my brother's laugh anymore and became concerned.

I tripped and the beret fell but fortunately did not fall and scatter its contents. The fedora, formally glued to my head, fell too and landed in the field alongside my fallen self. I felt a sudden liberation but I also felt alone and scared and vulnerable and worthless. My hands were bloodied and I was so damn terrified at what I had done. Not only had I killed someone but I had also removed body parts-I was a damn murderer! Why I didn't feel this before was unknown to me but I was so damn scared that I did not cared.

Joy to the world, I'm possessed.

I'm possessed by the spirit of my brother and I knew that he would make me wear the fedora again. I was afraid of what was inevitable to come and I feared for my life. Throwing myself towards the beret, I put the green hat within the fedora and held both of them bundled to my chest. I knelt like a raccoon in prayer but I was far beyond prayer and hope and save me God for I have sinned because I murdered and tore up a body all for the sake of money, a pay promised by the alleged client of my brother and I was scared. I felt the Heart of the World beating within the ground but the earth movement didn't make me fall.

I had to get help because I was in SO much trouble and I was scared. I was scared just like we were children and I was scared because my brother was dead and because I killed and because I tore and pulled and chopped. I needed help bad and I knew it but I wouldn't let my fear freeze me in my tracks because I knew that I might have gotten into worse trouble if this crap continued.

I walked for God knows how long into the hours of the night before I saw another house in the farthest corner of a neighborhood. I recognized the names on the mailbox as TOOTHY and PETUNIA-two people I knew in the past. They were fellow people, perhaps they could help me but they might find out about my pain and my fear but that was what I wanted them to know. I was nervous but I couldn't let that beat me as I held the fedora close to my chest without crushing the inner beret's goods or piercing myself on a sharp tooth or claw. I walked to their door and pressed the doorbell button, half-telling myself not to do so because it was still night outside but I did it anyway.

It was a couple of minutes but that purple beaver answered the door and I felt scared when I saw that he was a tad taller than me. He too had grown and I was scared of that but I spoke until he spoke. "What's wrong, Lifty?"

"Too-Toothy, I've been in an accident. My brother is dead and I barely escaped with my life. I need a place to stay for tonight and I was wondering if I could stay at your place for now if that would be okay."

"Okay, but come in quick. Good God, what happened to your hands?"

"The accident involved Flippy," I said, remembering the Vietnam bear's name that instant. "We were walking by his house and he attacked us. He killed my brother and I killed him in self-defense. I saved my brother's hat though."

"Please come in, tell me the rest later," Toothy smiled his buck-toothed smile. "I've never heard of anyone being able to take on Flippy...except maybe Lumpy but that doesn't matter. Please come in."

"Thank you," I said as I walked through the doorway just seconds before I saw Petunia standing there so elegantly with concern in her eyes.

"What happened?" she asked.

"Long story. Want sleep," I replied.


	3. Petunia and Toothy, Maybe They Can Help

_Petunia and Toothy, Maybe They Can Help_

I have always had kind of a crush on Petunia over these last few years but my brother always had his eye in his attempts to form a relationship with the skunk. Now she was much taller and far more slender than she had been years prior to the night of my brother's bodily death. Her physical attractiveness had increased as well during the days when she began to date that beaver Toothy a couple of years back. Of course, first came love and then came marriage but I didn't see Petunia pushing no baby carriage and I could testify to that truth amen brother. My raccoon legs always shook around her but I managed to keep it steady because she is a married woman (my what a woman!) and I knew that it wouldn't be of the best interest to act like a love-struck wuss because that would also make me look a coward.

"What happened to your hands?" she asked, pointing to my blood-encrusted hands and I tried to hide them which apparently offended her. "Have you been in some trouble lately, Lifty?"

"Me? Trouble? Huh-huh, whatever do you mean?" I ask, my tiredness becoming a forgotten memory as my hands, covered in Flippy's blood, became the central subject of my thoughts and I tried to hide them with no avail because she was one obsessed with cleanliness. "I have been trying to change my life after all the years and the change that made it so we were mortal. My hands aren't…"

"Eww! Your hands are bloody. You have to clean them before you go to sleep. I will not have dirty hands in my house!" Petunia said very abruptly, her deep sky blue eyes boring into my soul like I was staring into the infinite sky of the glorious day. I had to fight myself from blushing in her presence and I was afraid that I may have already which would make me look like an ungrateful ass or the worst person in the world.

"Of course, Petunia, I'll clean my hands if you would just let me go to your bathroom for a moment if you please," I nearly stammered as I walked away into the hallway where Toothy's call of "It's the third door on the right!" followed me into the hallway like a stranger/stalker and I returned with a "thank you" cast to the front room like a distant echo.

The bathroom was good-sized and a dark blue color with a lavender tinge, a perfect combination of representative colors of the couple who owned the bathroom as well as the whole house. I placed the fedora with the beret with the teeth and claws that no longer sliced and diced on the top of the toilet tank lid. The sink was placed under the mirror with two faucets marked "H" and "C" and I turned the "C" faucet for the process of washing my hands (or did that only apply to clothes when you used cold water to clean stains of blood?). The blood was being washed from my hands as red crumbs and crusts began to fall from my fur and skin, relieving the green of the ugly red color.

I glanced at the mirror in front of me and saw that my eyes had more rings around them than the black ones that made my domino mask pattern around them. The fact that I haven't slept in a while came back to me and I felt the pains of a headache drawing nearer in my head like the strains of a storm. I suppose it was no coincidence that a real storm started brewing outside just like in the horror films and my head was hurting something terrible.

For a moment, I thought that I had seen death when that Vietnam bear Flippy charged at me back at the house in the woods. To think that I had actually _killed _the freak with just that simple strike of the Purple Heart to his own heart beating and red. All that blood made me ill just to think about it but I wasn't feeling that way earlier when I actually committed the horrible deed of slicing and chopping the claws and pulling teeth good god it was all happening so fast. That freak of nature had been shearing with the slicing and dicing and we had been tearing up with the running and screaming in pain aye-yah-yah it was a living hell for us in the Happy Tree Friends corner of existence because we could die a thousand times until that day when we grew up and everything changed.

I felt a tinge of sadness when I remembered seeing my brother die at the slashing claws of the deceased Flippy. It occurred to me that I never even saw his body when I returned to the house to complete the deed presented by Shifty's voice through the fedora that now rested on the toilet tank lid while covering a beret with teeth and claws inside. I think I may have avoided looking for the body either because I had been so mind-set on the task or perhaps I was just not exactly wanting to see the body once again or maybe it was a combination of both matters. That body was a probably decaying testament to the death of my brother and the beginning of what may have been a descent into hell because joy to the world, I was now possessed…or was I?

I wasn't even sure if I was possessed in the first place because maybe I was just hearing some bullcrap in my stress-demented mind where my brother continued to live through the darkest thoughts as I listened to my greed. I listened deeply to my greed and it was beating like the Heart of the World where I felt its eternal beat rapidly increasing like a destructive force, a storm in the distant mind. There was thunder and there was lightning and my mind was conflicted because it was in the middle of that storm where my brother's laugh was the thunder and his glowing eyes substituted for flashes of crude lightning.

My mind was conflicted and I needed some kind of escape from that troubling brother of mine but maybe I needed some kind release from this pressure (wait I said that already!) that made my head hurt. Is this the kind of things that one goes to therapy for or maybe consultation? Maybe I was thinking too much for my own good-I needed to relax myself from the pressure I was feeling. The water was helpful though I realized that my hands were starting to become extremely chilly and that I was wasting water.

"Are you okay in there?" Petunia asked through the door. "You've been in there for ten minutes."

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, closing the "C" faucet and drawing my clean and cold hands from the sink while looking at my reflection in the mirror. I noticed the rings less now than I did before because I was starting to notice something else. There was the image of the glowing emerald lamp eyes of my brother set aflame by his greed to which he listened _very_ closely. I was scared for a moment until I blinked and those emerald flames were gone leaving only my regular reflection in its place.

"Are you sure you're okay in there?" I heard Petunia asking again.

_Tell her you're just fine, Lifty. Say nothing more._

I felt no comfort when I heard my brother's voice but I said what he told me to say and uttered "I'm fine" and I said nothing more than that. Taking the fedora with the beret with the claws and teeth hidden within, I walked out of the bathroom past Petunia who was looking real concerned for my welfare more than anyone I had ever known in my life.

I held the fedora with all its goodies within so near and dear to my chest as if I was praying or asking for forgiveness if not covering some kind of chest wound. Toothy gave me a concerned look too just as if his wife had told him to do that what I didn't need but received anyway. That purple beaver was expressing concern like I had never seen in my brother's face ever and I swore I could feel an aura of brotherly appeal that I never felt around Shifty because of his bastard tendencies.

"You okay, Lifty?" he asked. "You look a little sick."

"You'd be sick too if you saw your brother get slaughtered like I did," I said without much thought. "It's not a pretty picture if you think about it because a bloody body is never meant to be seen before bedtime, my friend."

"Are you sure you're all right?" Petunia asked again, her beautiful but stern eyes staring into my greedy little soul. I was listening to my greed until it told me that it wanted her because I knew that it wasn't the most brilliant idea to be satisfying myself to this beauty especially with her husband standing right there. "You seem to be troubled by something."

I shook and felt my legs shaking in response but held myself up to avoid looking like more of an idiot though I responded. "I have a problem...it's my brother..."

I expected my brother's voice to rise from the back of my mind but nothing came from back there but pure silence and I was afraid that it was still coming. Nothing came after a while and that truly comforted me. "My brother's been harassing me."

"How is that even possible if your brother's dead?" Petunia asked, hands placed at her hips.

"Petunia, don't be difficult," Toothy told her before turning to me. "What do you mean by that?"

"I don't know what exactly," I lied, not wanting them to know the entire truth. I mean, supernatural crap has happened in the past but I felt that telling them the truth would lead to disbelief. "I've been hearing his voice in the back of my mind, bothering me about completing a bunch of crazy crap I'd rather not get into myself. I suppose I feel extremely stressed and saddened by his death and that has caused some problems for me. Then, I've had some kind of crazy nightmare that bothers me to no end, you know what I mean? You see the violent murder of a family member by a demented psychopathic bear with slice and dice claws and it brings out the worst in you even sometimes in the form of crazy memories blended with some scary images to make things worse. That's right, I think I'm just stressed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Toothy offered his sympathy. "I know what Flippy was capable of, I _know_." I knew that he knew because back in the days when our lives seemed to make revival a possibility, poor Toothy was often one of Flippy's first victims whenever that insane bastard would go on one of his rampages. "I'm sorry to hear that Shifty's gone but I suppose there's not much that can be done about that now."

"Yeah," I said sorrowfully, still waiting for my brother to angrily yell and scream and curse in the back of my mind just as he did before. "I don't know why we could come back to life then but not now. I mean what even allowed us to come back to life in the first place?"

"Can't say myself but I am glad I actually got something good out of it," Toothy said, wrapping an arm around Petunia who giggled in response.

I remembered how I had heard from Cuddles and Giggles, another couple in that respect, about how Toothy and Petunia had fallen in love shortly after we stopped being childish persons who could die a bloody death and wake up the next die as if it were all a bad dream (sometimes how I wondered if all of life was nothing but a bad dream, nightmares following each other like a frightening game of tag). Toothy was often subjected to the cruelest of fates from having his eye gouged by a wedged lollipop to having a slice of his face carved out like a gory piece of cake at the hands of that dead bastard Flippy. Petunia didn't exactly have the best fates either, usually getting done in by the most horrific things. She told me that one time that Flippy had actually _pressed her face on the grill_ that sick son of a bitch fucker I'm glad I killed him.

Anyway, Toothy supposedly had a big crush on Petunia which was actually proven true when he shyly offered her comfort after her leg was broken just the day after we all lost the ability to revive ourselves. Their relationship began in the home after Toothy shyly admitted his feelings and Petunia returned them. Then again, with the looming presence of death in the background like a fucking stalker, you would jump at the chance for love and affection and maybe a little something more if you wanted it.

Some say that Petunia only went with Toothy because she felt sorry for all the bullshit he had to endure when we were afflicted by constant suffering and extremely frequent physical pain. I was personally hoping that wasn't true because I was listening to my greed just as my brother always told me to and my greed said it wanted Petunia all to myself. However, I ignored that greed even though it was telling me to do some awful and inappropriate things (yes, _THOSE_ things if you must know). Toothy was being the most hospitable to me, more than I really deserved, and the last thing that I could ever do to thank him would be to come on to his wife despite myself and what the greed my dead brother always told me to listen to was saying.

"That's good, but I probably should get going," I said, holding the fedora closer to my chest and even worrying for a moment that one of the slice and dice claws or chew fangs would pierce my heart. "I should just go."

"Nonsense, you've been hurt and we want to help," Petunia put a consoling hand on my shoulder and Toothy did too. "You should stay for the rest of the night, get some sleep, and we'll have breakfast in the morning, okay?"

I grinned because I could not resist the offer of free food and board. "I'm all for it."

"Good, we hope you'll get better," Toothy said as he walked away with Petunia following. "The guest room is the door left to the bathroom. Try to have a good night's rest, okay?"

"Okay, good night," I said, giving up on expecting to hear my brother's voice for the night.


	4. Through These Walls

_Through These Walls_

Zzzzzzz?

Wha?

What the hell is that noise?

Oh good God no please don't tell me they're doing what I think they're doing. Please tell me I'm just hearing things. Cripes, they're moaning and crying out each other's name.

Yeah, they're doing what I think they're doing. It's the ol' I-N-T-E-R-C-O-U-R-S-E. Then again, with someone as beautiful and nice and smooth and slender as Petunia, especially when she developed, I couldn't blame Toothy one bit. Hell, I'd be doing that business all night long if you know what I mean. Of course you do, you're on the Internet after all. You're probably looking at a smut film while you're reading this. Don't worry, I won't judge.

Anyway, I was trying to sleep, rest my head for a little bit when I heard the time honored sound of mattress squeaks from the room next door. I couldn't help but let a smug grin spread out on my face, especially when the thought of replacing myself with her husband was spawned. Ooh it gets me feeling warm up here and tingly down there. Now, I don't mind hearing the rhythmic sway of the _squeaka-squeaka_ especially if I can be a part of it in my own devious way. (Oh don't give me that; I know damn well that at least one of you would think that too.)

Between the constant moaning, I could hear Petunia softly telling Toothy to not be so messy "this time". I snickered because the idea of Toothy screwing up something as simple as bedding (well maybe not that simple I cannot say since I've never done it yet). I wonder if he ever made her wear a French maid outfit or if she did that of her own accord which would be fitting given her OCD self. Maybe it was better that I never did anything with her cuz knowing me, I'd leave her feeling dirty afterwards-being a thief and all that listening to my greed will not leave me feeling clean in the end.

"I'm sorry, I'm (moan) sorry," Toothy said, apparently having "made a mess" (what a loser). "I didn't (grunt) mean to scare you (grunt) like that."

"Don't be sorry (moan). I just (pantpant) don't want it to be wasted-"

Petunia's lovely voice was cut off by Petunia's lovely orgasmic scream. It wasn't as loud as they make them in the movies where all of the neighborhood can hear you doing it and now when the thing lady sang at that exact moment of pleasure achieved. But it was definitely a scream rather than a cry since I would have easily heard it even if I couldn't hear them the whole entire time.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. Do you think I woke him up?"

"I hope not as long as he wasn't listening in the whole time," (he knows me well what can I say). "I'm sorry. Did I screw up again?" (I resisted laughing out loud)

"We won't know for sure just yet. In the meantime, I need a shower. Get this sweat and stuff off of me."

"Mind if I join you?" Toothy said in a seductive (or at least attempting to be seductive as far as a beaver like him could) manner.

I imagine Petunia smiled here, showing some I didn't expect it because she's normally so serious about cleansing and such humor towards her husband. You could definitely hear it in her voice "You can come with if you promise to behave. Maybe if you're good, I'll let you have the honors of shampooing my hair."

Only Petunia could make hygiene kinky.

I pretended to be asleep when they passed by my room and Toothy sent in a suspicious, knowing-I-was-awake glance in my direction. That pissed me off. You don't know how lucky you are, you bucktoothed purple bastard. If only you could feel my envy that burns in me about how you were so fortunate to get with her you beaver son of a bitch. How you get to rub her body with soap and make her feel clean and whole, something I couldn't do in a million years you bastard you bastard I hope you know just how angry

zzzzzzzzzzzzz…

How long have I been asleep?

I looked around, saw the same bedroom I had taken residence in the night before without the sound of Petunia and Toothy a-thump-thumping behind the wall. It was almost as if they jus

wait where were they? Was I home alone?

I looked again but saw nothing again.

"Lifty, you naughty raccoon. You've been listening to us the whole time haven't you?"

I tried to hide my blush but failed as she could see it the whole time. I also tried to hide a certain other thing on my lower half. I don't think I need to explain what happened. Petunia giggled and my attempt at an answered collapsed in my throat.

"I was just thinking about what you told me earlier about your brother. Has he really been bothering you that much?"

I couldn't lie. "Yeah, he's been trouble. But I'm starting to think it was all just some kind of crazy dream or something."

"You think it was all just a dream?"

"Yeah."

Petunia's smile broadened into a creepy grin. "It's not, _brother." _

_Ajswdfefedddefwefeee3erWHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?_

"_Because I want to make sure that you don't forget about me," "Petunia" lost her features, gradually turning into my unmistakable brother. "Though I can't blame you. She's really something. I'd bag her if I had the chance."_

_I was speechless._

"_Tell me, Lifty boy," Shifty-Petunia (Shitunia?) said. "Are you gonna be ready for when the time comes?"_

"_What time? What are you talking about?"_

"_When I need you to run a few errands, a few "steal runs"," Shitunia answered. "After all, you stole the Vetnam bear's teeth and claws. I know of someone who will pay big bucks for that. Plus, there's some other people I'll want you to…shall we say, take care of. You get me right?"_

"_I get ya! I get ya! For the love of God, could you please not appear like Petunia?"_

"_My bad. I know it's wrong to keep a guy disturbed for long," Shitunia gradually became Shifty, complete with the emerald lamp eyes and the fedora forming atop his head. He flashed a five dollar grin with much sharper teeth than I remembered him having before. "I prefer this form anyway. It's more like me." He flicked his tail for added emphasis._

"_So you want me to handle some business for you while I'm still here and you're…where are you?"_

_Shifty snickered. "Where do you think, Lifty boy-"_

_"Don't call me Lifty boy!"_

_Shifty uttered a demonic growl I didn't even think he was capable of. "Like I said, Lifty. I have work for you to do and you'd better do as I say."_

"_You have no control over m-"_

_The last word was forcibly caught in my throat as Shifty sank his fingers into the flesh. I could feel the warm blood (real or not good god it felt real jesus) coursing over my frightened fur. I should have been gasping for air but I wasn't, instead grasping his wrists and trying to get him to let go. My teeth bared but they were not the impressive fangs that my brother now had and was now intimidating me with._

"_You forget your place, Lifty," he whispered as my blood coated his claws. "I'm in charge here as I always have been. You've backstabbed me before. Don't think I've forgotten. You are my brother after all."_

_I groaned as he released me, trying not to stagger forward into the bastard. I let my guard down, thinking he'd just gloat over me after having caused this kind of pain. But I was wrong. He decided to emphasize the "backstabber" accusation by slashing me in the back (more like a "backslasher" but I'm not gonna protest)._

_Shifty laughed, his mouth grotesquely stretching to make that fanged grin even creepier than it already was. "Do you get the picture now, Lifty boy? Do you understand your place? Will you be a good little boy and do as I say?"_

_My brother forgets that I have my own claws, now slashing across his left ankle without a second thought._

_He noticed and screamed in both anger and pain, raising his clawed foot into the air and leaving a few drops of red body water onto my face. I'm no stranger to bloodshed and went for a second shot, this time tearing into his left shin. Green fur stained with his not green blood scattered onto the ground as Shifty staggered backwards._

_I moved to get along the ground while Shifty was staggering and trying to avoid falling on a small puddle of his own blood. Despite the raging pain in my throat, I managed to stand and run towards the hallway as Shifty seemed to just vanish behind me as I fled. The purple and blue colors blended together, making the urge almost too much to overcome since I really didn't need the damn stomach acids to tear into my throatskin with its bleeding and pain._

_I didn't have time to puke my guts out anyway as I could hear Shifty's disturbing growl transform into a good god so nasty nasty roar from around the corner. I really didn't want to see those emerald lamp eyes staring into my soul (if I am allowed to make such a comment in a scenario like this) or just even staring when he's already started raging and roaring and probably intending to use his slice and dice teeth just like the Vetnam Bear oh good lord no. _

_please brother don't hurt me_

_Shifty roars and begins tearing down the hallway with his impossibly long claws and they started to peel like nails nasty nasty strips of wallpaper coming down. they stab and stab and jab and strike the floor behind me barely missing. that is until one impales my foot good god make it stop I can feel it tearing like the old days this isn't funny stop stop_

_please brother don't hurt me anymore stop Shifty stop stop stop stop_

"_I warned you," Shifty says as he brings more of the evil wallpaper down upon me now trapped as both of my feet are impaled stuck like a fly on sharp sticky paper I can't move "I warned you and you didn't listen. Remember how much this hurts?" I felt two needles striking right through my cheST as he said that argh make it stop please brother _

_death by wallstrips doesn't sound like a good, much less dignified way to die but we've all had much worse in the past like the time we were_

_Shifty wouldn't even let me have that instead he just leaps at me with his claws and teeth bared looking more and more like Flippy by the second right down the teeth I swear. I tried to block his blows but he just kept coming like my brother was a thresher with so many little metal teeth and claws instead of an animal._

_and he laughed. and the bastard laughed._

_and his face began to change what happened now what is_

_Shitunia?_

"Lifty, are you alright?"

I actually woke up this time. "I'm fine, Petunia. I just had a bad dream is all. It was horrible but it was just a dream."

Petunia and Toothy were standing over me and I have to wonder if I was screaming at all in my sleep. I wasn't in the melting hallways anymore and there weren't those nasty wallstrips impaling my feet keeping me trapped like a damn fly in the spider's web oh god it was bad. And Shifty was gone thankfully. Maybe he was never there.

"Must have been some dream-" Toothy froze when he saw something I wasn't seeing.

I was about to ask when I felt a peculiar warmth behind me. I winced as I leant upwards as something peeled off my back. Petunia shrieked and Toothy tensed.

There was blood on the sheets and backslash marks on my skin.


	5. No Rest for the Wicked aka Steal Run 2

_No Rest for the Wicked (Steal Run 2: The Ice Diamond)_

Ow dammit. Ow. Ow. OW! OW!

Petunia applied rubbing alcohol to the unexpected, unwanted and unloved wounds stretched out on my back as I was lying on the stripped bed. I felt this was her revenge for getting-OWOWTHATSTINGSGOODLORDOW-getting a nasty blood puddle on her nice guest room bedsheet. She was hyperventilating pretty badly when I managed to pull myself off the bed with the ooh so nastyOOOOOOOOOOH bloodstains left behind on top. Surprised she didn't need a paper bag or something but then again her husband was there for calming support right down to the hug where he'd feel her softness pressed against his skin. That son of a biTTTTTCHOWWWWWW. Meanwhile she touches me but not the way I'd want iIIIITOWWWWWW.

"Ooh such horrible wounds," Petunia said, applying the last of the rubbing alcohol. "Well at least it shouldn't be infected now. What did you do to yourself?"

Part of me wanted to say that Lifty did it in that horrible horrible dreamworld but I knew she wouldn't believe me, especially after seeing the big nasty naughty mess it left behind. Then I debated making a lie which might not work either considering that look she was giving me and how if I tried to lie I might get into far worse trouble.

Crap. She's waiting for an answer. Maybe you got something I can say? Come on, help me out here, pal.

Oh thanks. The silence really helps.

"I dunno, Petunia. I just had this horrible nightmare where Lifty came out of nowhere and attacked me. I was in a messed up version of your lovely home and then-"

"You attacked yourself?" Petunia cried out.

"No, Shifty attacked me! He was clawing me in the back and the next thing I know, I'm cemented to your bed with my own blood. It was horrible. He was talking about hurting me if I didn't do as he said. It was horrible, horrible."

Petunia said nothing else, what I hoped was compassion and what I hoped wasn't fear or pity flashing in her pretty eyes.

"Geez, you bled quite a bit," Toothy observed the obvious as he carefully collected the sheets and breathed thankfully that my precious life juices somehow didn't stain the mattress underneath.

"We come from a history of blood," I remarked, remembering when it was much worse. "Remember those days? Not so pretty."

_Unlike your wife_, I thought I heard Shifty's voice utter in the back of my mind.

When I woke up, Toothy and Petunia were gone.

I felt a little scared but it seemed reassuring to just put the fedora back on. The inside was smoother than I thought before, it was as if it were a new fedora taken from J. C. Penney or whatever damn place sells hats like this. The felt was soft.

I felt fine. Nothing's wrong. Nothing's wron-

What? Wha- - -ell?

Wh-t's goi- on -re?

Shif-y? Wh-t - -uck ar- you doing? STO- -P

_Lifty, my bro-__, -__her. My brother._

_I reached for the phone, punching in the numbers while I had the chance. Maybe Toothy and Petunia would see evidence hard to say. I don't give a rat's ass never did. I just need to make myself clear. Listened for the ring._

_Ring. Ring. Riiiiiiing. Can you hear it, brother my brother can you hear his voice on the other end yes_

"_Hello?_"

"Jesus Christ, is that you, Shifty?" _the voice on the line asked._ "I heard you had gotten your ass killed. Or is this the brother?"

"_It's Shifty. Now, if you would be so kind to answer my next question. Are we still good for our investment plan?_"

"Oh yeah yeah, we're good, still good," _my "client" reassured. _"The investment plan is going at full operation, no stops. I just thought you had kicked the bucket going by word of mouth. Anyway, you got any goods?"

"_So far, I just have Flippy's fangs and claws as you requested. I will get more goods with a few more steal runs here and there. Trust me on this. Lifty's going to be pulling in overtime for me._"

"If you say so. You sure your brother's gonna manage?"

"_I'll be sure that he does. Quite sure_."

Click.

What happened?

_We got work, Lifty_. _I will lead the way. I trust I will have no problems?_

I tried hard to hide my anger. "No. Where to?"

* * *

I frowned, recognizing this place. "What are we looking for here, exactly?"

_The Ice Diamond, brother. They call it the Ice Diamond because it's such a pretty blue color and it was found in subzero temperatures_, Shifty noted. _I know that bastard has been hiding it for years. I know is that your greed and my greed wants it. And we should listen. Plus, my client will love it._

Yeah, yeah, enough with your goddamn client already.

I moved into the house and shivered upon entering. Yeah, as if the ice freezing over the door and how the bricks were pure white like igloo blocks weren't enough to clue me in on who lived here. Then again, robbing this asswipe wouldn't be a problem considering he was disabled in a manner of not-quite politically correct speaking since I'd be telling the truth and nothing but the truth. I mean, what the hell would you call someone who was trapped in a block of ice?

Dammit, it's cold in here (ha ha baby it's cold _inside_). Does this guy thrive off below 32 temperatures?

Ignoring the shivers that rollercoasted up and down my spine and legs, I moved into the house. It seemed normal aside from the icy layers here and there. There was ice covering the chairs and table and ironically the refrigerator. A lamp struggled to remain on despite the ice layer built around, trying to keep it caught

stupid slippery floors

After regaining my balance, I took careful steps across the frozen floor good god what a deathtrap. He should put up some of those SLIPPERY FLOOR signs but then again he doesn't move around much-at least when someone's looking. I never understood how that worked unless that animal popsicle managed to work faster than the blink of an eye.

There it was. The Ice Diamond casually lay on the floor as if someone had just carelessly dropped it on the ground. Good, maybe I could get it before

what the hell is that

Breathing. Heavy breathing. Not quite like Darth Vader but like the kind you'd hear over a phone if someone wanted to scare the living shit out of you. Like it was almost literally scaring the living shit out of me right now.

I dared to look behind me and saw the ugly bastard standing there. The ice block must have had some kind of optical illusion that cut down on his fugly features as it definitely kept his messy and deranged hair in place atop his head. Couldn't see his eyes either but then again, did I really want to considering how messed up this guy was?

The bastard glided across the floor like a primitive Olympic ice skater. I barely could dodge the damn club when it aimed for my head, instead making a few more cracks in the ice wall.

Fortunately for me, there was a nice thick icicle that came off.

He winced, groping for his chest where I slashed him with the damn icy spear. Feeling the warm despite the outer cold blood on his hands must have set him off royal as he roared loud enough to make some of the dangling icicles shake and shimmy. His wild hair shook too as he raged and charged right towards me. I meant to peg him right in the chest with the spear or at least to make him back off but he was learning. Next thing I knew, that damn club knocked the spear right out of my hands.

Club meet face. Face meet floor. Hi, floor.

Thankfully I didn't get my face cemented to the ice and was able to dodge to the side when the fugly bastard came at me again with his club.

_Need a hand little brother? _

For on-e -es, Shi-ty, I d-

_I grabbed the icicle, feeling the sharpness press against my palm. It didn't matter because I was gonna "ice" this bastard. Don't give me crap, the pun is more fitting when I'm doing it._

_Another swing of the club was enough to give me a shot at his chest where my good brother managed to land a blow. The icicle sank into the flesh, probably made easier from all the years he spent getting skin-softened during the whole "frozen alive" phase. He groaned, moaned, roared, repeated as I landed another blow. _

_Dammit, icicle's stuck. Good thing I missed meeting the club._

_Bastard!_

_Another strike, another strike, another strike._

_The cavemarmot flew backward, hitting directly into the wall. He stumbled, trying to maintain his weight with the club when some pieces fall. Next thing you know, those conveniently dangling icicles plummeted downward and crashed against his skull. The fugly bastard roared again, raising his club when WHAMMO more icicles came down, nailing his head and throat to the floor. A nice pool of red formed underneath. My cue to exit._

* * *

I kept the Ice Diamond tucked inside the fedora. Shifty made a rather unusual moan when I did this, probably pseudo-orgasming at the thought of having such a precious jewel. I muttered complaints about the cold burning my scalp. But for big brother, I would manage, not that I was given a choice. After all, we (or he) had just committed murder for this thing.

"So when is your client gonna contact us for this rock?" I said.

_Soon._


End file.
